Asking Someone Else
A different viewpoint
As we get (a little) older we find pleasure walking down Memory Lane, remembering how things used to be. But occasionally we can’t remember something or we realize that some pieces we never understood. It’s useful and it can be fun to fill in the blanks by asking someone else.
You could call it an interview, or just an opportunity to get together to chat about ‘the old days’. Either way, prepare for it carefully – first with questions that cover the topics you‘d like clarified and then by finding a way to ask your questions in a gentle, non-threatening way. Old photographs relating to your interviewee can be great conversation starters.
Start your questions in a relaxed environment. Maybe offer refreshment, take a few minutes to chat, lead into talking about ‘back when’ and then get to the questions, starting with easy ones, that should elicit positive ideas and memories for your interviewee. And, if they come up with something you disagree with, hold back the displeasure, at least for a while – you can discuss it more deeply later.
You never know when someone is going to feel irritated or even threatened by a question that seems innocent enough to you. Once people feel threatened or uncomfortable about one topic they will often clam up about anything you ask. Feel your way along and don’t bulldoze ahead.
I’ve found it important to maintain a relaxed atmosphere, rather than firing off question after question. Follow up an answer by asking for more information or for something related to the topic – it shows you are interested in what they are saying rather than focussed on simply gathering more information.
Begin with easy factual questions - for example “How old were you when…?” “What was your mother’s maiden name?” You can go deeper from there. “Do you remember the time when….” Follow up with questions that can reveal events that followed, for example “Who was present?” “Who brought up the matter of….?” “Why do you think … reacted that way?”
It's quite possible that your interviewee will present a different version of an event than yours. Don’t argue with it; ask questions that might lead to greater understanding. Perhaps you can come to an agreement that reconciles both points of view. If not, when you write it up later you can present both versions and allow the reader to reach their own conclusions.
You might have more than one purpose for one interview. You could simply be looking for more information. “Did your brother come with us on that trip to Paris?” Or you might be looking to clarify, “Was that in 1990 or 1993?” Or you could be hoping to add background – “Do you know why we went to Paris when we’d always had our holidays in Wales?”
You might find more detail than you expected. A relaxed interviewee can add all sorts of unexpected information “Did you know we didn’t stay in Paris? We stayed in a little village just south because your dad was too cheap to afford a hotel room in the city.”
Did I mention that some of the information might not be welcome?
Don’t argue the point, even if you disagree. Keep to your agenda of questions and consider the point at a later time. You might omit that sentence altogether. Or, after some thought, you might agree – partially. You knew your dad was frugal; after all, he was one of a family of ten kids born into a tenement. So, you write about your father’s background and his carefulness with money. You can think of a few examples of his frugality, including the Paris trip. But you show it, not as being cheap, but as a virtue – how in the end he could afford to send his kids to university.
A comfortable interviewee can add all sorts of detail that will add life to your writing. No matter that you think you’ve already added plenty of detail, there’s always more to bring the stories to life. Sometimes you’ll find her perspective on events is very different from yours. Are you comfortable discussing that? Should you change your version? These are decisions you’ll need to make.
Your interviewee, when they are comfortable, is likely to ask her own questions, based on her own memories: “
Do you remember -Our grandma’s horrible little dog?
-The neighbour who washed her exterior windows every week?
-That kid up the street, Robert, was it, who got polio and was in hospital for a year?”
These open new doors to your own memories – aspects you may have forgotten, but you now can think of more stories about the dog, the neighbour, and watching Robert struggle to get back to a normal life. Your story can become much richer.
You might think that the interview ends when you run out of questions. My experience is that it ends when your interviewee’s supply of memories starts to run down and you can bring the person back to the present. As you end your time together, ask if you might contact them if you have further questions.
And thank them – they have shared a gift with you.
PROMPT
Take a deep breath and get over your reluctance to interview a family member and ask questions that you think might be intrusive. Start with someone you know and like. Just get together and ask a few questions. You can call it an interview later.